How to be Supportively Confrontational and Create Light Without Heat.
- Tell your truth with compassion. Always remember that your objective is to share your insight. It’s not to be right or belittle the other. People can’t hear and you can’t inspire when you’ve triggered their defense mechanisms.
- Seek first to understand. Before you confront or criticize, make sure you understand the situation. Your assumptions may not be accurate.
- Ask questions. No one likes to be told what to do. Used in the right way, questions can enlighten. “Would you be open to a suggestion?” “Are you aware that you do X? “Have you ever considered doing X instead of Y?” “Would you be willing to do this differently?
- Speak from a position of personal responsibility. “When you do this, I feel this way. When you do thus and so, it affects us in this way.”
- Keep your emotions out of it. If you have strong emotion attached to the situation you’re probably in judgment of the other person. If your issues are triggered, it will likely obscure or distort the communication.
- Start with a compliment. Challenge the best that’s within them. “I know you’re committed to doing your best and what I saw today doesn’t seem consistent with that commitment.” Confront the behavior, not the person. Use the word “and” instead of “but” after a compliment.
- Avoid sarcasm. Leave this technique to TV sitcoms. It has no place when telling the truth with compassion.
- Avoid absolutes. When you use words like “all”, “every” and “never,” you dilute the power of your statement. They serve to antagonize and it’s rare these absolute adverbs are ever true.
- Pick an appropriate time. If possible, choose a time and a place that will enhance your message being heard with an open mind. Timing does matter.
- Don’t be attached to the outcome. Say your peace without trying to control the behavior of the other person. Your responsibility is to deliver the message in a way that is understood, not to force change or control behavior.
- Bonus: Don’t “should” on people—or yourself for that matter. When we tell people they should do something, we are subtly—or not so subtly—attempting to manipulate their behavior and we are judging them.
Recommended Reading
The Achievement Code
The Three-C Formula for Getting What you Truly Want
Without the Three C’s of Clarity, Concentration and Consistency, achieving your goals will always be hit and miss.
The Achievement Code shows you how to live with more purpose, passion and prosperity.
