Working Toward a “Ten”
Ask your partner how they would rank your relationship on a scale of one to ten with ten being the ideal relationship. If it’s anything less than a ten, ask what you could do to MAKE it a ten. And then listen very carefully to the response.
Values for the Relationship
Just as it’s important to be clear about your top personal core values, it’s also important to determine your agreed-upon core values for your relationship. It makes for much smoother sailing.
Ground Rules
You can and should have ground rules for the way you “discuss”—things. Here are three of ours:
- Around certain things like big expenditures and major decisions, we each have veto power. In other words, we both have to agree to do something in order for us to go ahead with it.
- No raised voices. You can agree ahead of time that if shouting begins, that’s the end of the discussion. It can be resumed when we are less agitated.
- No problems discussed after 9 PM. We don’t bring up problems, issues or “challenging” news after 9 PM.
Retreat
Time away together is paramount for intimacy and understanding. Get away from the day-to-day routine and focus on each other. We go away for a weekend at least once a quarter and every Wednesday is “date” night.
Make Requests—Not Demands
Most requests of our partner are really demands in disguise. If you’re upset when your partner does not do what you ask, then it really was a demand. Making this distinction is helpful and can reduce the frequency and intensity of upsets.
Practice Your “Gratefuls”
Each night before going to sleep, we share with each other at least three things for which we are grateful. It ends our day—and begins our sleep—with our focus on what we want rather than what we don’t want.
Be Your Word
Do what you say you’ll do—all the time, every time. Trust and honesty is the foundation of a great relationship. You can’t have one without it.
Show Appreciation
No one wants to feel taken for granted. Remember to thank your partner for everything they do. Acknowledgement goes a long way and increases your emotional bank account.
Say You’re Sorry
Be willing to make a genuine apology when you’ve done something that your partner has found hurtful. After all, do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?
Practice Carefrontation
There are times when we need to approach a sensitive or potentially hurtful subject. When you do, avoid being confrontational and risk defensiveness. Tell your truth with compassion. Do it in a caring way. It’s worth using your best communication skills with the person you love.
Recommended Reading
Best Life Book Series
The path to your best life is through your Compelling Core Values, your Empowering Purpose, your Meaningful Mission, your Vital Vision and your Solid Goals. And this series has a book for each of them. Pick out individual ones or get the whole series.
