“Thou Shalt Not Should on Thyself (or others).”
I spent far too many years of my early life caring too much about what other people thought. I was a magnet for people telling me what to do. And I let them “should” on me—a lot. As a result, I made some very poor decisions based upon “expert” advice that was totally contrary to what I knew in my heart was the right thing to do.
“ I have met the enemy; and it is the eyes of other people.”
—Benjamin Franklin
“Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the mark of a fake messiah.”
—Richard Bach, The Savior’s Manual
When someone I cared about would give me advice, I ‘d feel bad if I didn’t follow their recommendation. Maybe I just didn’t trust myself enough to follow my heart—or didn’t know how. I found it easy to feel guilty about what I did or didn’t do—simply because it didn’t match the views of others I respected.
Most everyone has an opinion about what you should do. It takes a strong resolve to become clear and stay true to our inner guidance system. It’s one of the toughest things I’ve had to learn.
First, I had to become aware that guilt was literally running my life. It took several years and some painful mistakes to overcome this disease of the mind, but I did. Somehow, I believed that I wasn’t a good person if I didn’t please people. And when I didn’t, I’d feel guilty.
Throughout my life, I’ve made mistakes and sometimes even hurt people I didn’t intend to. But I’ve hurt myself and others far more by trying to please people than by not. Herbert Bayard Swope said, “I cannot give you a formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure—which is: Try to please everybody.” Staying true to yourself isn’t easy, but I think it’s the only way to live.
Many people feel shame for no reason other than the misplaced opinion of others. They feel badly because of mistakes they’ve made and because of the “shoulds” of others. Feeling bad doesn’t accomplish anything. Guilt has no virtue. Operating out of obligation and guilt lacks integrity. Don’t do it.
I’m not saying that you should (there’s that word again) totally disregard the information and advice put to you. I’m simply suggesting that you evaluate the information, listen carefully to your heart and do what you think is right. Just because someone is a travel agent for guilt trips, doesn’t mean we have to buy their tickets.
No one can walk in your shoes. No one can live your life. Ultimately, it’s you that must answer to how you have lived. We all need to learn the art of correction without invalidation—to see our errors, learn from them and move on—without self-condemnation.
If you feel remorse about something you’ve done or failed to do, take action. If you can make amends, do so. If you can’t, forgive yourself and move on. Vow not to make the same mistake again. If God can forgive you (most religions teach that He does), then you should forgive yourself.
Make a list of anything and everything about which you feel guilty and apply the above process. You might also review The Assertiveness Bill of Rights, which follows (source unknown).
I. You have the right to contribute value by sharing your opinions and ideas. Everyone has their own unique point of view and yours matters.
II. You have the right to experience and express your feelings responsibly. Don’t hit people over the head with them—just express them.
III. You have the right to ask for what you want. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.
IV. You have the right to think things over. That’s why God created restrooms.
V. You have the right to say NO without guilt. Be true to yourself. Make your commitments really count by only saying YES when you really mean it.
VI. You have the right to make mistakes. Mistakes are merely opportunities to learn. That’s why there are erasers on pencils.
VII. You have the right to be treated with respect. Everyone has inherent value regardless of circumstances.
VIII. You have the right to change your mind. Your commitments are important, but they’re not cast in stone.
IX. You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior. You can even be illogical.
X. You have the right to request clarification. Nobody knows or understands everything.
Best Life Strategy: Develop a Soft Heart, Maintain a Thick Skin. And Never Mix Them Up.
This article was originally published on SuccessNet.org in 2010.
